After learning so much about God’s mercy and how I don’t deserve it, (my sin deserves death not righteousness and a second chance at life) I feel this sense of entitlement in my heart. I am so excited for people steady dating, getting married, going on dates etc. but right now I feel sad about it. Its kind of bitter sweet. I wonder if I have made myself believe that marriage is something I don’t want or something. Though I do feel happy where I am, I still want a great man to lead me in my future and its easy to feel hopeless when others around you are getting the very things you hope for, but pretend you don’t want. Why do I feel this way? For the first time I feel like my school work and relationships are going well, I am not financially burdened, I was blessed with a car to use after my accident, there are so many things to praise God for and yet I feel discontent in this area. Will this always plague me? Will I always feel discontent until ___ (fill in the blank)? If that’s the case then am I truly content in my life? I spent some time with a married couple that did this marriage thing the way I hope to; to be courted, date and marry in purity. In hanging out with them I realized that marriage is great, but life is still life, there are still things to grow in with God, there are still struggles and hurdles in life, conflicts, ups and downs. Not to say marriage is bad, just that it isn’t a magical idea in my head, it is real day-to-day life. Of course I still want it, though I desire to be fully content where I am, I want to love God with everything I have now while I have only me to worry about.
I think its easy to envy what others have especially when it’s apart of a dream I have for my future. I can become envious of friends, family, classmates, the list continues. The point is I want things that others have. When there is someone involved that I like, it’s even worse. I want that person’s attention, I want to be liked, and if he gives that attention to someone else I feel betrayed. It is so weird because he is not mine and never will be, that man belongs to God. There is a scripture that I remember I looked at when I was dating and would get so jealous that I would grow bitter with my girlfriends that were friends with him.
“But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.”
– James 3:14-15
When I am pursuing things, including people, trying to manipulate and get what I want with a heart of jealousy God calls it earthly, unspiritual, even demonic! That seems harsh, but jealousy shows a sense of ownership, almost making someone else a slave to my desires. God says we are only slaves to righteousness or sin, not each other. And yes I may like someone, but to hold bitterness in my heart because others are friends with or go on dates with someone I like is actually hurting me. It’s not like I’m in some pact or agreement with the person to say you can’t like anyone else because I like you, or to say others can’t like them. To trust God is to take a step back. Not being in control. This is extremely hard for me since I like keeping a certain order and way of following things to make sure they are done, usually to put my self at ease, not anyone else. So the pursuit of another person is to fulfill a selfish gain for me. I don’t and will never own another person.
The good news is that if God does have something for me I won’t have to be jealous or feel the need to manipulate anything. God will take care of all the steps and pieces of the puzzle for me. I do long to be content, which sometimes I feel that way, and other times I don’t, but the only true way to contentment is through Christ. Yes real life is still real life, yes there will be disappointments, but God is who I started with and in the end He is who I’ll end up with too. I really want to be solid in my joy for life and not base it on my relationship status. Sometimes I disillusion myself into thinking I don’t have desires for a great guy, but I need to take the real feelings to God and not ignore or act like I’m good. That will only breed more bitterness, jealousy and heart ache. I also want to believe that God can fulfill every piece and crevice of my heart. I don’t want what others have or what’s not for me because it would never work. God has a great plan lined up for me, and it may not look like what I’m thinking today.
God I pray to stay open and humble, not claiming anyone for myself like a commodity, but chasing after you. You can fill me up and pour yourself out for me, you can be there and feel what I’m feeling when I’m sad thinking there is no one for me, or that I need a particular man to be happy. God you have to be the source of my joy. Please remind me of how much you love me, remind me of your promises to never leave me, to be with me in my brokenheartedness, to be with me and never let the fires consume me, to always give me a way out of sin, that you search me out and know me, that you are delighted to see and hear from me. Lord help me to know and believe that you have so much that you can and will pour out as my heart desires. God please be my respected husband. Please be my leader, be my king that I can serve and be a wife to. Lord teach me to continue to chase after you in humility so you can lift me up because chasing imaginary boyfriends will never fulfill nor exalt me the way you do. Amen.