God has to care more about being unified with me than whatever I did that separated me from him. When I look for him like a merchant searching for pearls he finds me and I find him. It’s like a long lost relationship that has been mended. I’m greeted with an embrace, warmth, confident smiles and laughter with tears of joy, he finally has me back. That image is so important for me to visualize. I need to see God this way so I can open up, be ok with my mess ups in order to be encouraged to go to him, be healed and changed by him. The reason I say he must care about unity more is because he never looks back at my past screw ups as “me”. It’s not just overlooked, but masked with Christ’s face and dignity. He cares more about us being together and is willing to search for me, putting off other important things to seek me out. I’m so important.
Luke 15, Matt:44-45
He’s so good.
This semester of school has been up and down, but majority of what is constant is good! Last semester I had a lot of problems feeling secure in myself and my knowledge. I can still tip to that side, but God has been working on my heart. I really want God to be real to me, if God is very real, my fears are so fake. I see God as bigger, which is just true. So far I’ve been working in groups that are collaborative, and just great overall, which was where most of my strife was coming from in previous semesters. Even working with the same people is different! Now I know my confidence in that situation is totally God, because I know neither I nor my classmates have “changed” all that quickly. It’s totally God and him helping me to see him over problems. What’s interesting is that there are practically no problems in this area at all! Praises!
The area that has been harder to deal with has been forgiving people I’ve held grudges against for years. God is taking a sledge hammer to the crust around my heart in that area too! I actually had a conversation, though short, with my dad that was encouraging. He told me he loved me at the end which is not his style. I’ve had issues relating to my dad all my life, always wanting his approval and feeling like I couldn’t get what I wanted, thus a bitter grudge grew. God is breaking down all of that baggage and I am so grateful. All I want is a deep love for and relationship with my dad. I know it can get there because God’s character has been proven to be in favor of unity, even to the point of taking on all the risk and absorbing all the messes I’ve made for us to be close. Why wouldn’t he want me to be unified with my earthly father too? God is so good in his over arching goals. There’s a lot of times, even now when I want to fight him on things even when they’re good, good for me. In this fresh journey so far I’ve been resistant, but he shows me my stubbornness with his patience. He just waits for me to come to my senses. I’m only prolonging my own suffering by not desiring reconciliation.
Man I need a husband just like that!