Grudges

I hardly see how I need mercy. I can think I do no wrong and when I do it’s rare or provoked.

“Have mercy on me, O God,

According to your unfailing love;

According to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity

And cleanse me from my sin.”

Psalm 51:1-2
My heart is hardly in need. If I’m so great then why can’t I save myself, why can’t I prevent hurt? I can’t, which is why I need God. Not to keep me from being hurt, but to show me the truth in situations, sometimes the hurt helps me know I’m growing. The pain of life influences me to run to a savior.

The truth is I am jacked up. My sin keeps me separate from the saving arms of God, he never turns from me, Isaiah 59:1-3. In David’s Psalm 51 he just committed adultery and had a woman’s husband killed after he got dude’s wife pregnant. Crazy stuff. It’s crazy that he is so jacked up and yet is still called a man after God’s heart. It had to be in his response to seeing himself soberly. Seeing his mistake that could cause a divide between him and God. His plea to God is one of a broken heart, he was cut to the heart over his actions, even though dude’e wife was a willing participant. He doesn’t blame her. He takes responsibility for himself and says

“Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.”

When I am hurt by people I feel justified to hate them, exclude them from my life, and hold grudges in bitterness. These people have done me wrong! My response isn’t like David’s, I want to get back at people as I feel justified in my anger. I, like many folks, have family issues. Growing up it was pretty difficult to be seen as an individual with a thinking mind. I was a child that was to be silent with adults. My household was pretty strict. I felt like I had no freedom, so as I got older I started rebelling against this family order, arguing with my parents, getting into screaming matches and ignoring them out of disrespect. I felt my actions were justified. I took this resentment with me into adulthood, blaming my dad for missed opportunities growing up, humiliation, my anger and lack of certain independence, even for relational issues I have now. I held a grudge against him and other family members for so long. I’m still working through some of this bitterness.

There are specific situations that hurt me to the core that left me feeling unprotected and picked over as an important piece of my dad’s life. I went through life really looking for acceptance and approval from people out of insecurity that I won’t be accepted or loved. I hate this insecurity and my inner little girl says it’s a result of my relationship with my dad.

2017 will be the year I get these feelings resolved. I desire a relationship with my dad that is full of forgiveness, love, compassion and excitement. I want to see the hope there and get rid of all bitterness in my heart toward him as well as other family members. I do love him, but in order to show that, I need to get to a humble place with God to see my own sin within our relationship. Yes, this sounds senseless, but if my reactions to my dad created a wedge in my relationship with God then it’s bigger than just holding on to grudges on principal. I have to get my heart to a place that is at peace regardless of other people. If I claim to be without sin I call God a liar. Sigh …. amen I need a lot of help to believe that I am not justified in my anger, that it hurts God. I want to have the same heart David had after his sin.

 

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