Why have I been so miserable since the incident? My heart is hard due to pride. I have a “I can go at it alone” mentality. Where is God, Who is he in my world? Do I even identify with the lowly sinful woman anymore?
I always thought that the hardening of the heart was hearing truth and going against it or bitterness. For some reason I never connected it to independence. If I am independent of God, then I turn from his truth about my need for him. Man … I am still turing away from truth. I know I need to rely on God, but I choose not to. That hardens my heart. WOOOOW. And if my heart is hard, like stone, nothing gets in or out. I am no longer malleable and soft, I am no longer sensitive to others’ hearts etc. I am on the brink of being given over to my independence. That’s what’ll happen. God doesn’t force me to follow him, he grabs my attention so I see my need, but if I stay hard hearted God lets me go. Like a good husband he’s not going to make me love him. He wants me to want him all on my own. After looking at Luke 7:36-50 I realized I don’t love much. The passage talks about a sinful woman vs a Pharisee or teacher of the jewish law. The sinful woman realized how much saving she needed, she realized who can save her. As a result the grace given to her by Jesus himself meant the world to her, she saw exactly where she stood and so did everyone else. There was no covering it up or hiding her position as a prostitute or harlot as some versions say. Simon, the teacher of the law was a typical, prideful man who thought highly of himself. He saw no need to treat Jesus with any honor at all. When I think I’m ok I don’t see my need for Jesus, just like the hypocritical teachers Jesus called out in the bible. Pride is essentially thinking of ourselves more highly than we actually are. It’s what cast Satan out of heaven, we can think we are so high that we ourselves are God. Truth is I’m jacked up just like the next person, but it’s easy to look in the mirror and forget what I see everyday.